The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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