I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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