I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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