you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
