We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
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My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
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My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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