I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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