We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
