Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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