there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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