Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
