Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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