I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
a search helicopter?!
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
