The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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