I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
