There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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