All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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