My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
