Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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