She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
