just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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