I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
