so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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