new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
