fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
