Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
