I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
