My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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