theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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