how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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