I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
