apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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