i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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