There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
