I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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