Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
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She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
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I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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