Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
