Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
