Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
