Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
