you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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