he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
