I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
