I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
