They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
