Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
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Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
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This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
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