Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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