i would punch a child for taco bell
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
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Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
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I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize