Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
