I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
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