please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
God, you're like boner-b-gone
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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