I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
