I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
