So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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