I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
