You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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