i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
