walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
