Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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