the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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