mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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