her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
As shirtless as possible
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
