She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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