period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
