Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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