you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
