I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
