i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
